Prenuptual Agreements

C.U.B.E. for Conflict

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Best Practices for Prenuptual Agreements

  • Repeatedly set context for the conversation, e.g. the goal is to create agreements that honor the life we want to build together and that ideally, you'll be closer and have deeper levels of understanding and intimacy as a result of this process. 
  • Be prepared to pause when deep emotions arise--unprocessed childhood wounds, issues around fairness, power, and equality, etc. Money brings up issues. When this happens, put the prenup to the side and just focus on understanding and intimacy. Discuss in advance of what to do when these issues and deep issues arise.
  • If you've talked about getting a therapist in the past, now is a great time to do that. It will be a useful resource now and in the future--both together and individually.

  • Hire a mediator. It will save you a lot of money in legal fees. 

  • In terms of the actual prenup, setup the cadence and process for how you'll get there. Ideally, have weekly meetings to talk through the issues and try to get to a draft agreement prior to bringing in lawyers (you both will likely have your own.)
  • Start the process early. You don't want to have to speed things up because the wedding date is looming.

C

REATE CONTEXT & OBJECTIVES

  • Be curious: Dig for their underlying interests, fears, and feelings. 
  • Stay curious: Really try to understand all their perspectives--especially the ones that may be more feeling-based and you don't understand. Money brings up many issues, including childhood issues that are in the shadows of awareness.
  • Paraphrase and wait for corrections and information: Emotions are a deep well.
  • Share your interests and priorities. What are your fears, what's important to you, what are your dreams? 
  • Synthesize: List shared priorities and differences—what would be the best outcome for each party? Write these down so that you can use them later--they can be based on values, on feelings, or on specific fiscal desires.

NDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S WORLDS… THEIR WORLD FIRST

U

  • Clarify you are brainstorming possible structures for an agreement, not making decisions. Remind them that lawyers will review everything and make sure that it's fair.  
  • Be very careful to make sure you co-create all the agreements. It's really important to avoid proposals.
  • Identify the areas that need to be addressed. 
  • Be creative and look for out-of-the-box ideas. Use fillers rather than actual numbers, e.g. we spend $x on, we set aside y%.
  • Then go back to assess which ideas met which underlying needs.

B

RAINSTORM OPTIONS

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  • Write out where you agree, where you disagree.  Use bullets rather than full paragraphs to make it easier.
  • Make process commitments and agree to the cadence to discuss the options and when to involve lawyers.
  • Discuss who you can share these discussions with--these are very personal matters and bringing in family or friends could be disruptive.
  • Do not assume that anything has been agreed until the papers are signed.

  • After every meeting, discuss what worked and what didn’t work about the conversation.

E

ND WITH COMMITMENTS

  • Assuming there is plenty of time.
  • Thinking it's a logical conversation when it's more likely fraught with emotions. 
  • Drinking alcohol during the conversations.
  • Unilateral moves including setting up an agenda or any sort of proposal around the agreement. It's best when it is co-created.
  • Having the conversation in the wrong circumstances, at the wrong time, when either of you is in a bad mood or feels unsafe.

Common Mistakes for Prenuptual Agreements

REATE CONTEXT & OBJECTIVES

C

U

  • Expecting to be heard before hearing the other person.
  • Solving emotional issues with logical structures.
  • Believing you understand what’s important to them without confirming your assumptions. Even thinking that THEY understand what's important to them is a mistake.
  • Not empathizing with their perspective, especially when you disagree or don't understand it. Money is a very "unnatural" thing and it's likely that our perspectives don't make wholistic sense.
  • Spending too much time listening when you don't feel see or heard. It's a two-way street so it's important to have a balance.

  • Trying to get through the conversation without making space for emotional and more intimate issues to arise.

B

NDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S WORLDS… THEIR WORLD FIRST

RAINSTORM OPTIONS

  • Making a proposal that you think will work.
  • Judging or reacting to ideas that seem unfair while brainstorming, e.g. we don't do a prenup. Just write it down in generic format, e.g. x%.
  • Throwing out ideas without caveating that you are just exploring.
  • Not gently correcting when others critique or judge. When that happens, see what underlying interests are not being met and if there is an underlying interest that hasn't been identified.

ND WITH COMMITMENTS

  • Lack of clarity of next steps (always set up the next step).
  • Letting too much time go by.
  • Being impatient. 
  • Withholding assessments about what’s working and what’s not working in the process.

E

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